RIFd Episode 9 : Twennytwennythrizzle

Put a pin in it, 2023 is done. Put a pin in it, 2023 is done. And I hope that you did okay in 2023.
But if you didn't, let me know and I'll be sure to tell you.
[Music]
So welcome back and thank you for sitting in. My wife keeps telling me when you're gonna make another one.
And I said, you put your chart online. Now everybody knows that we ain't got any fucking time.
Because we spend all time fucking, all our time fucking. Just kidding, just kidding. It's only 50% of the time.
So welcome back to the reef. 2024 is gonna be a year of many and consistent episodes too.
So fucking welcome back. Sit down, strap in, shut up.
If any of you this year bought me a beer, I'm sincerely grateful, I'm sincere.
If you wanna buy me more beers throughout the year, just pour 'em in my gullet, pour 'em in my gullet, pour 'em in my gullet.
[Music]
Pour them in my gullet.
So, we're back. We are back. Oh my god. It is 2024 and we're back and we're here.
And I'm okay and you're probably okay and if you're not okay, what are you doing? Get better.
Don't listen to this. Go somewhere. Don't listen to this.
So, 2023 was pretty solid but we know we got some early updates so let's hear some other updates.
Penny. You know Penny? She's a puppy that I own and she's mine and my possession by law.
She got Giardia again. Again. She got them, she can look like some goose poopies baby. She can't put 'em down.
She can't stop eating goose poopy.
So, now we just, we don't, you know what? Don't take your dog to the vet.
You can do all the medicine to your dog with common household implements and easily purchasable things.
We bought this powder that the vet would have charged us a thousand dollars for and we sprinkled it on her shit.
And we ensure her turds are strong now. They're thick and strong and I was envious of it.
She was pooping in the yard. I was like, "Man, I wish I had one like that."
It's been a while. But it's been a while because we've been having good times, you know?
We've been drinking, we've been eating, we've been being merry. We've been merry.
And as a result, the poop flows at a higher rate. But it's a good thing because times are plentiful.
So, yeah, you know, this New Year's? New Year's... we went to a wedding. My wife's cousin got married on New Year's Eve
because she met her fiancee man husband on New Year's Eve and I can respect that.
It was great. I had a great time.
It was just a wonderful thing. My wife looked super hot and we danced and we sang and we didn't get prime rib because they ran out.
But it was good.
So, yeah, because we don't usually do anything for New Year's. We're kind of old.
We would show the kids like YouTube videos of the ball dropping.
Okay, it's 8.37. Show them the video. I want to go to bed.
So we actually stayed up past midnight, you know, in the city. We got all fancy looking and we just had the nicest day.
And we had an Airbnb and, you know, looking at the rules of the Airbnb, it was like turn everything off and get out.
That was like the lockup instructions. And then I got a message from the guy that owns the Airbnb that runs it, named River.
First strike, right? First fucking strike.
River sent me a message that said, "Thanks for staying. Just take all the linens and put them on the washer before you leave."
And I said, "River, I don't believe I've seen a washer in here. Where is it?"
And then River responded, "There is no washer."
So we just piled up the things and we left. It was fine. It was a nice Airbnb. It was pretty big.
It was well equipped for all the goings on in an Airbnb.
So Penny has Jordia and then we fixed it. She's got solid turds. We went to a wedding and we had an Airbnb.
It was just chock full of excitement. Obviously Santa came to our house and that was super exciting as well.
And we got things and I got my favorite present was underwear. It's just nice undies, man.
These are, these are tight. These are primed and ready to go. Love them.
So yeah, and then sort of, you know, it put a little bow on 2023, which overall I think was a great year for me.
So fuck you and eat shit. Had a good year.
I mean, anyway.
I'm so rude. This is the third day of the year. I can't start like this.
I'm trying to start the year on a positive note, keeping it upward, ever twirling upwardly positively.
So unfuck you.
2023 top. I was trying to think of what my top news stories were.
And I came up with three. So I just I guess we'll just talk about them, right?
And it's not going to be pretty this morning and R.O.V. or remote operated vehicle from the vessel Horizon Arctic discovered the tail cone of the Titan submersible approximately 1600 feet from the bow of the Titanic on the seafloor.
You know, we were had to talk about this. I mean, this is just one of those insane stories that you're like, well, how did all this come to fruition?
I mean, they went in a submarine and imploded or crushed was crushed.
Explosively implosively by high pressure.
And the people on the submarine were the guy that started the submarine company and some other people with lots of money that wanted to take this submarine to see the wreck of the Titanic.
And this story was weird because it almost universally turned into what the fuck go fuck yourself rich people.
It's one of these weird stories where it didn't feel like there were two sides to it.
It was everyone was like, good, they're crushed.
Maybe it's just the circles. I'm in.
I'm sure other circles were horrified because they do crazy, you know, six digit adventure tourism.
But in my circles, it was almost universally. Yeah.
Well, they shouldn't have done that. They shouldn't have done it.
And then all the news starts coming out that, you know, the first thing you see is like they had a Logitech game controller on the submarine.
Everyone's like, what the fuck? Why they have like a mad cats controller?
They didn't even get the name brand submarine controller.
So it was just a calamitous situation altogether.
And ultimately, I didn't I remember reading about the people that were on the submarine.
Obviously, the guy that built the submarine cares about him. He's a nut cheaped out on parts oversold the sub.
I mean, imagine when they're going down in the sub.
I bet it was pretty fucking loud. You know, it's like, well, it's carbon fiber.
The sub was made out of carbon fiber, so it could when carbon fiber fails, it fails dramatically and explosively, allegedly, because I'm not a carbon fiber expert.
I just have it on my hand. Civic.
So but I think it was creaking. I'm thinking it was a creaky motherfucker.
So they're probably scared the whole time. And this asshole driving the subs like, no, we must go to see the thing.
And they're like, sir, can you please turn on turn around?
And then it just ended.
And there's going to be a movie about this sub, almost guaranteed.
How do you think they're going to film that scene?
I was thinking about it. Like, do you think they're just going to have the sub go down and then like, but it's going to be filmed from the like the boat.
So they're just like talking to a blip on the radar and then the blip goes away.
Do you think they're going to cut back and forth between the people on the boat and the people on the sub?
And sort of like build tension that way. And then are they going to show the implosion like like really fast?
What do you think they're going to do? It's crazy. I can't wait.
I'm going to see that fucking movie. I also thought it was kind of cool that they were like close to the Titanic.
And they named it the Titan and said it was like the strongest submarine.
I mean, it was really just like it's kind of like how that the newer Star Wars movie was the same as the first Star Wars movie, but slightly different.
So I really thought the sub thing was fun. I did like how it turned into class warfare.
I felt bad for the kid. I think he was a Pakistani kid.
Why does he like that? His dad's really rich and he like forced the kid to come because he was he he guilted him saying it could be his father's day present to the dad.
The dad's like, come on. It's your father's day present to me.
Get on the sub. This kid obviously didn't want to do it.
You probably had Counter-Strike or something to play that day.
And instead he gets smushed. So that's fucked up.
But in the grand scheme of things, everyone was like, fuck them. Don't do that.
Like I can hardly pay for groceries. That's what it always devolves into.
I can't pay for groceries and this motherfucker is getting smushed.
I can't even afford to get smushed. So no.
So that was a really good news story.
Top top story for me.
And you know what else happened?
We are following breaking news in Maine.
Police there confirmed they are investigating an active shooter situation in multiple locations.
Police say a number of people have been shot and hurt in three separate locations in Lewiston, Maine.
OK. Lewiston, Maine's he said right at the end there.
And Maine's is one of the states of the United States of America's.
And what happened there was fucking horrible.
This guy just went around and shot a whole bunch of people.
And are you tired of this shit yet?
Come on, guys. This is so dumb.
How? How is this still happening?
You know, did you know that there's other places on earth where you can just walk around and not get shot?
Imagine what that must feel like.
I kind of remember because I never used to have to think about this.
And now we think about it. I do.
Too much. Why? Just stop.
This is dumb.
Clearly, we can't handle guns.
We can't do it.
If you can't handle something, it gets taken away.
So it's done.
I'm tired of seeing this shit.
The cops were fucking horrible in this whole situation.
Apparently, they knew about the guy.
He had a history. His family thought he was nuts.
He had like he got on a like a lockdown for mental things.
And he still had guns and he was a fucking army guy.
So great.
We can't have army guys either.
You know what? We can't be trusted with them because we mess them up.
Stop messing up the army guys. We can't even do anything right.
So that's a stupid also story of 2023.
And I don't know.
I like obviously other stuff happened, but these are the things that sort of came to the forefront of my mind.
I know they're more recent.
Some of them, maybe all of them.
When did the sub blow up?
That was earlier.
And it sucks.
The world is feeling a little weird right now.
So then my third news story of the year.
Drum roll, please.
I don't have a drum roll.
Here drum roll.
Third news story.
What's it going to be?
You know what it's going to be.
This is an NBC News special report.
Good morning, everyone.
I'm Laura Jared alongside Joe Fryer here in New York.
We have breaking news out of Israel this morning where Hamas has launched a surprise attack within Israel's borders overnight.
It's the Israel thing.
You know what? We're going to talk about it.
I'm sorry, but we're going to talk about it a little bit until you hate me.
I think Israel should just what the fuck at this point.
It's such a fucking mess.
You can't be right.
Neither side can be right.
Neither side can necessarily be wrong.
Maybe they're everyone's wrong.
It is what it is.
What you going to do?
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do about it?
My wife and I are watching a lot of Sopranos.
That is a typical go to.
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
Tell me.
There's not a good answer.
It just sucks.
You know what?
I think terrorism is bad, but I think this is going to create a lot more terrorism in the future.
So I don't really have a good answer.
I just say really just hold on to your butts.
Isla Nubar is going to have some turbulent times.
Just hold on to your fucking butts.
All right.
And that's sort of where I feel the whole world is that we're just on a nice edge between goodness and badness.
And I don't know what it's going to what's going to happen.
Right.
Will we keep balancing?
Which way will we slide?
I'm thinking badness.
Obviously, it's easier.
Badness is easier.
If it gets really hot, like crime goes up in the summer when it's hot.
Imagine if the whole world gets hot.
It's going to be fucking crime time.
And people get scared during those times and really just seem to work against their best interests.
So that's the thing that sucks.
So maybe that won't happen.
Let's see how that goes.
But you know what?
That's enough about the bad things.
Let's talk about the good things, baby.
Let's talk about the fucking good things.
What's this button?
Tennis.
Oh, tennis is good.
I didn't mean to hit that button, but the good things of 2023 for me.
You know, there is a few out there, but my family and I, we went to Vermont, the Green Mountain State this summer.
This summer to visit our friend.
And it was great.
I went to Vermont as a kid.
I don't really remember it.
I remember this trip pretty well.
So we went on a sailboat on Lake Champlain and it was very nice.
You know, we brought Heddy Toppers, the beer, Alchemist Brewing.
We went to Alchemist as well.
That was quite nice.
Had beers, had lots of beers.
Went on a sailboat, put our feet in the water as the sailboat's moving.
It was beautiful.
Sailing around.
Burlington, Vermont.
It was great.
Highly recommend.
We got a lake house, stayed on a lake house.
This is all, I mean, I had a great summer.
It was a blast.
Went to Ben and Jerry's.
Ben's and Jerry.
And they were cleaning all the equipment so we didn't get to see how ice cream's made.
Bit of a bummer there, but we did get ice cream.
And it was just overall a great trip.
My flight did get cancelled like three days in a row.
We couldn't get home.
We got stuck in Burlington.
And we wouldn't have sailed on that sailboat if we didn't get stuck.
And that sailboat ride was one of my favorite things.
So I'm not even mad about getting stuck.
It was great.
It was fucking awesome.
So that was a cool trip.
I also went to Universal Studios and I just didn't like it.
I don't think theme parks are for me.
I want thrill rides.
I don't really care about the lore.
Like Super Mario Land.
It had just opened and we went there because this was in March.
And the wait for the Mario Kart ride was like three and a half hours.
So we just didn't ride it.
And we had the Fast Pass.
So I'm giving it a thumbs down.
Just didn't like it.
And actually LA as a whole, we were in LA.
Universal Studios LA I should have clarified.
Not LA.
Whatever.
California.
It rained the whole time.
So now I never want to go back there.
So if you're from LA, good job.
What else happened to me?
I bought a car obviously.
This car I'm fucking crazy about.
Those of you that know me might know that I like cars and that I've had a lot of cars.
And I was going to go through them all one episode and just talk about them.
But that sounds pretty boring.
I would love to do it.
You might not like it because I like cars.
Anyway, I bought this car.
So I had two cars.
I had a BMW 325iT, which was a station wagon from 2004.
And they took the engine out of it and put a BMW M3 engine from the same year in.
And it was awesome.
It was rear wheel drive.
It was a six speed and it was loud and it was fast.
I had that.
And then I had a BMW.
All right.
I swear to God I know more letters.
I had a BMW 325iS from 1990, which was like a boxy one.
It's known as the E30 body style.
I had one of those.
And I sold them both to this dude because he had a car that I wanted, which is a Porsche 911 Turbo, which is just an amazing piece of the machine.
I love it.
It drives so great.
It's just everything about it I like.
To me, there's really not a whole lot that it needs other than like an updated stereo.
It's great.
I fucking love it.
So I thought I would have buyer's remorse because I always have buyer's remorse when I make like big purchases.
I just don't.
It's great.
If this is a midlife crisis, sign me up, man.
I don't have buyer's remorse about this fucking crazy thing.
It's great.
Not yet.
Maybe later.
I don't know.
So that's cool.
I look like a douchebag driving around in a Porsche.
I shouldn't mention that I met one of my wife's coworkers the other day and they had pictured me one way in their mind.
And then afterwards, they said I look like to her.
They didn't tell me this to my face.
They told her I look like I manage a GameStop, which may be the most hurtful thing that's ever been said to me in my life.
So other than that, 2023 was good.
And then obviously we got Penny.
Penny is awesome.
She's like the Porsche 911 Turbo of dogs.
I don't know what.
She's just great.
She kind of listens.
She's funny as shit.
She's like a weird cat thing.
She does cat shit.
She's quiet and sneaky.
We were playing Nintendo and then we looked over in our kitchen and she was just standing on the kitchen table.
That's not something that you would hear that normally a dog doing that.
I don't know how she did it.
She's fucking stealthy.
She scares me a bit.
I don't know what she's doing right now and I'm scared.
So yeah.
And my other dog, Nitro, who died this year, that's on my list of bad experiences in 2023.
He would never have been able to make it up on the table even when he was a puppy, let alone be quiet about it.
She's just weird.
So yeah.
So those are three good experiences.
I went on a sailboat and I got a car and I got a puppy.
So really I have the same dreams as like a six year old girl.
And it's been great.
So Nitro died one day before our anniversary.
BT dubs.
That was really hard.
But we had kind of been expecting it for a long time.
And where Penny's a great dog, Nitro, he wasn't a great dog.
He was scared of people who bark at them and he couldn't play with other dogs after a certain point because he would bark at them.
And he always had diarrhea and would bark at them.
So but he was fluffy and we loved him very much.
And, you know, Penny isn't like Nitro.
She's like a fucking dog.
Nitro was like just like this weird love pillow that we had.
And it's hard to lose a big love pillow.
Let me tell you what.
So that was rough.
And then we got to experience a dogless life, which was great.
And now we're experiencing dog life again, which is great because I get to use our carpet cleaner again.
So we really getting the bugs out of using the carpet cleaner.
It's doing great.
And let's see what else is bad.
Worst experience of 2023.
I don't know that it was the hottest year on record ever.
Again.
How long are we going to do this?
Who is buying these polluting vehicles?
You know, these high performance pollute machines.
Who's buying? What the fuck, guys?
So that sucks because, you know, 2024 is going to be even hotter.
And can we not?
I don't know.
What are we going to do, guys?
I don't want to run the AC.
It's so expensive.
Can we not?
Can we fucking?
Can we fucking not?
Do it? Okay?
That was weird.
Can we not?
Yeah.
So just all those things combined.
It makes it feel like the world's a fucking Tinder box.
So let's just chill out.
We got through covid.
Can we take a chill year?
Maybe everyone should think like, let's make it more 90s like up in here.
You know, like the 90s were pretty cool.
If I hear Len steal my sunshine, that'd be much better than just hearing about some guy going ape shit and shooting a bunch of people.
So I think we just need to chill.
So if you guys could all just chill the fuck out because you've been edgy.
And what do I want for out of 2024?
So I've been thinking, you know, I need to get to the doctor.
I need to do like the full Monty.
Get a checkup and start fixing these broken bones of mine.
And I think that's, you know, really what I plan to do once I figure out how my new health insurance works because I had to change my health insurance again.
So really just figuring once I figure that out, get all the kinks worked out, get all the labs done, go to the physio and just start to feel great.
Fucking great.
Because there's just a few, you know, hang ups.
My shoulder hurts.
Shit like that.
Then I need to get worked out.
And I think that's going to be great.
Obviously want a job for 2024 or a way to support myself without working because really jobs aren't for me.
I just I mean, come on.
And, you know, we'll see.
We'll see what happens there.
And I want to go somewhere.
I want to take a vacation.
It's been a while since I had a vacation. The last one was to Vermont.
I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's pretty cool.
And just go somewhere warm and have a nice time with my family.
And also, I want it to snow a bunch so we don't have the whole state on fire.
We had like a rainy summer.
That's another thing.
Twenty twenty three weather wise in Colorado was incredible.
It was so nice.
It rained enough.
We had a bunch of sun.
It was warm.
It wasn't too hot.
It's fucking great.
Let's keep that up.
So I want it to snow a lot.
So the state's not all on fire.
The fires suck.
And, you know, that's really all all I do want.
I want you all to have a really good year.
And I want you and your loved ones to be healthy and happy.
And, you know, good luck.
If you need anything, let me know.
I need guests.
Just kidding.
I'm giving up.
This was the last episode.
Just stand, stay on for the standby for a word from our sponsor.
Thanks, everyone.
Have you ever wondered what's that white guy thinking?
Do you like cars?
How ambivalent about fishing are you?
Do you fold your pizza?
Can you not fold clothes?
If you experience many of these symptoms, it's time to ask your doctor about Rift.
Rift is an irregularly produced shitty podcast that you can listen to.
And then when we see each other in public, you can tell me you listen to it.
Side effects of Rift include just you shouldn't just why it doesn't improve your life.
Other side effects.
I don't even know.
Just let me know what they are.
We'll work together on this.
That was weird.