RIFd Episode 8 : Tennissippi

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Wow! Okay. That was like, that was just some energy. Thanks so much.
[Applause]
The show of Rift. My name is Kevin.
And I'm here to talk about whatever. I don't know.
Been interviewing a lot.
I had three companies on the line and I just finished the last interview with the last company.
I've already been rejected by two companies.
I had to do a presentation for one. Like, present to an intimidating trio of powerful business women.
And then I had to do another presentation to a less intimidating group of middle-aged white males.
And I'm just interviewed out. So I'm done interviewing for now, I think. We'll see.
I don't think I have any more coming.
That's wrapping 2023 up from an interviewing perspective.
I think we had an okay season. I think we can probably work on more next season.
It definitely showed that we have the ability. But I think just pulling it all together at game time is something we need to work on.
So, yeah, look forward to seeing what the Kevins can do in 2024 if I don't get this last job.
So, we'll see. Hopefully I get it and I can just stop interviewing because it's the worst. I hate it.
I mean, it's great. If you just got laid off, don't worry.
So that's what's going on there. Penny, she's a puppy and she's in my life.
And she just bites a lot of stuff. She was pooping a lot.
And it turns out she has Giardia. So we're working on that. We're working through that. We're all as a family.
We're pulling through and taking her outside to poop every two hours until the medicine begins working its magic.
So that's Penny. She likes to bite her leash while she's walking and she looks very cute.
And she's a good dog. You know, I'm not upset about her. I like that one.
I was worried that she's a good one. So that's cool. You know.
I am just spent. I'm sorry. But my wife is like, when are you going to publish an episode?
She kept bugging me about it. So here we are.
To Kevin's journal. I'm going to read a short entry in Kevin's third grade journal called Feelings.
Please listen along with me.
I did end want to go to school because I was thinking I would be the worst in school, but I wasn't. And I never will be.
The end.
Amazing. I don't think I ever will be the worst in school. I don't know.
Actually, the first time in college, I was definitely the worst in school. So because I didn't go.
I was statistically eight. I was a zero. I was the worst.
I don't. OK, anyway. So that's sort of the journal entry.
And I really appreciate me writing that a long time ago.
But what I really want to talk to you today about is tennis.
I like tennis a lot. I really do. I think it's weird that I do.
It's the first sport that I ever really liked. You know, I started.
I'm in this third grade journal. I talk about baseball all the time.
I don't know if I ever really enjoyed playing baseball. It's weird that I wrote so much about it.
But baseball didn't do it for me. I think it's you know, and then I went to what's the next sport I played.
I did karate, taekwondo. It was OK.
And if you're a kid, if you're a kid doing taekwondo, it's dumb because the taekwondo guy, the dojo guy.
It's not a dojo is he's like compelled to keep kicking you up through the belts to make sure that you continue paying for taekwondo lessons.
So you have these underqualified children, at least in my not dojo.
You know, I was a brown belt. There's no fucking way I was a brown belt.
It's a fat little fat kid with no muscles. I couldn't do anything.
My parents just had a brown belt checkbook, but I digress.
So I did karate. I did baseball. I did a short stint in basketball, which was alright, but I was wasn't good at it.
Like I can enjoy basketball playing it, but I'm just I'll never be good at it.
I did golf for a little bit. I was no. What is wrong with you golfer people? Why?
It's the biggest waste. It takes up so much room.
First of all, it's huge. Your game is huge.
And secondly, uses a ton of water and it just takes too much time.
It's it's way too long of a process to golf. And that's even with a cart.
And that's the most fun part of golf is the cart and everyone knows it.
But tennis, it struck a chord with me somehow.
And I never really envisioned myself playing tennis at any point.
I think I tried it as a teenager a couple of times and we were horrible at it.
We hit the ball out of the tennis court and then we're like, OK, let's go ride banks.
And then, yeah, and we left and I played like a total of 10 minutes of tennis.
I think that's a lot of people's tennis experience.
So my wife's boss took her to the US Open in twenty twenty two.
In New York City, and she got to watch a bunch of tennis and then she came back and she's like tennis.
And I'm like, all right, tennis. So we started playing.
Hold on. Wait for it. Tennis.
So we started playing it and it turns out it's a lot of fun.
I like to run around as a crab like in demeanor and hit a fuzzy ball.
And I like that you don't have a team. You know, I'm a fan about on the singles tennis, let's say,
because doubles is weird and we'll get into that.
So we started playing and, you know, we're horrible, but we're getting it.
And we're getting a little better every day and you're getting to run around and stuff.
And it's great. It's like, you know, the people are the worst thing about tennis.
The game is quite fun. But the people, they're just a weird group.
But if you can get beyond that, I mean, we luckily live right next to right next to crystal clear water tennis court.
And it is wonderful. You can just walk down there and you can play and people walk by and they're like, hey.
And you're like, hey, it's great.
I think I like tennis because it's a lot like a video game to me.
It's the most video gamey of the sports I have played.
I think, you know, like golf sucks, like golf video games kind of suck.
And basketball is hard, like basketball video games are hard.
But tennis is like you're you're in a fucking video game because you're just tracking this yellow ball.
And I think it translated very well to my somewhat say amazing first person shooter video game skills, which I mean, they're just a sight to behold.
Sometimes not anymore. So it translated to that.
So we started playing tennis and then it was like fall.
So fall of 2022, it started getting cold. So we had to find a place to play tennis.
And luckily, there's a place with bubbles so you can play through the winter near our house.
So we we became members at the tennis club, which is also like, who do you think you are Kevin?
You cannot be a member of a tennis club. It's not allowed.
Like, there's just no way you're going to be able to fit in with the people at the tennis club.
And for a large part, that's probably true.
So we started playing drills with this or going to drills or classes with this South African woman coach teacher lady.
And she was amazing. And she really got us running around.
And it really instilled even greater love of tennis in my body.
And then there's this woman, I think she's still alive.
I don't know why I'm talking like she's dead, but she would be like, Kevin, hit it, hit it up.
Rush up. Hit it as if you want them to catch it. Hit it. Hit the tee.
She's always just telling you where to hit places.
And then, you know, sometimes you hit a really good shot and she'd be like, do it again. I dare you.
Do it again, Kevin. I dare you. And that, you know, it's just great.
I love that shit. She's so much fun.
And kind of what else does she say? If you sometimes if you hit like, I don't know, something weird, she'd be like, you stinker.
Kevin, you stinker. It's just it was it really made the drills a lot more enjoyable to hear such things going on.
Drills are a lot of fun and you meet all sorts of like really weird people at tennis drills.
There's at least in our area, there's only a few archetypes of people that show up to these things.
So you've got like a large portion of it because these are in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week.
So these aren't like working folk showing up to these things.
It's just like you got your weird old ladies like the weird like with ladies that like they look like they did too much acid and they just don't know.
What's going on at any time? And they're, you know, Susan or Sharon or something.
And they're just so spacey. And the teachers always like, come on, Sharon, do the move your rocket up.
Brass brush up. Oh, it's a horrible accent.
And those those ladies, they're fine, they're harmless, but they're kind of annoying to be in class with because they sold everything down.
And then you have like these hyper competitive males, hyper competitive males in the tennis drills are like when they hit it bad.
There's there was one dude that was he like bang his racket on the outside of the bubble when he didn't hit a shot good and shit.
Like he's always throwing his fucking racket around.
Calm down, dude. You're in a tennis drill in the middle of the week.
You don't have that many high responsibilities right now.
So just chill.
And then there's like the hyper competitive women, which whenever you're doing a tennis drill, like a lot of them will be games.
So like you get a point if you hit the ball over here in the right way.
And then there are ladies that just like they keep score.
They're like, no, no, it's actually five, four now.
And we're like, Brendan, just chill the fuck out again.
It's a Wednesday morning.
Just what the fuck?
We're not playing an actual game.
Then there's me who likes to the old.
There's a few.
The people always love to tell me what to do.
They're like, you're doing this wrong.
Okay.
But the hyper competitive people hate me on my team because they'll be like, what's the score?
I don't care because it's a drill.
It's a drill.
I don't care.
And then, you know, if you miss a shot or something or they get a point on us, they'll be like, you know, you're standing.
I was like, again, when they tell me that, I actually just pretend not to hear them because the bubbles quite loud.
So I'll be like, you know, far enough away where I can be like, what?
And then by then it's time to play another thing.
And that really irritates them.
But so there's me and then there's people like my wife who are just like normal people.
And there's people like my wife who are just like normal professional women that are here to play tennis.
And they're great too.
Who doesn't love professional women?
And that's sort of the way tennis goes.
But gosh darn it.
I've done so many of those drills and everything and met all these weird people.
And I feel like I've gotten a lot better.
I'm definitely not good, but I've gotten a lot better.
That's cool, you know, because I'm old and my body hurts in weird places now.
And it's not the best thing.
But the other day, my wife and I went to a tennis drill and the instructor didn't show up.
So it was just me, her and then this other woman showed up and we played.
So we just like could use the bubble for free.
They weren't going to charge us.
So we just were like, OK, you want to hit around?
So we just were hitting the ball back and forth to each other.
And it was a lot of fun, you know, getting the heart pumping and running around the court and shit like that.
And everything was great.
And then after we were done playing the woman, she told us she was Jewish.
And then she started like instantly talking about Israel and Palestine.
She just like leapt right into it because she had a captive audience.
So she's telling us her thoughts on it.
We're just like, OK.
But, you know, she's a Jewish lady in Colorado.
There's like not many of them.
So I get it.
You know, she's worked up and it's just a touchy subject.
OK, with a lot of nuance to it.
So everyone knows not to talk about that shit.
You know, we're just going to let that unfold and reap.
I don't know.
The benefits.
So that, you know, that's tennis for me.
I just it's so gosh darn fun.
And I would hope that you would play with me one day.
So if you want to play tennis with me, just hit me up.
I'm on all the tennis forums.
See me at fuzzyballs.net.
My username is Johnny Balls.
It's Johnny Balls.
Fuzzy Balls.net.
And it's just a great game.
I implore everyone to play it.
And, you know, I think people I think it's one of those things where you think it's easier than it actually is.
So try it out and see that it's hard, asshole.
And then maybe we can play later.
That's sort of everything in my life right now.
I thought it was going to be a long episode, but here we are.
Seventeen crossing the 17 minute mark not too long ago and I'm already out of things to say.
You know, that's kind of depressing in some ways, but it's almost Christmas time.
There's just like nothing going on.
It's dark so early now.
I just go to bed.
I go to bed.
We've been watching The Sopranos.
Going through The Sopranos again.
It's a great show.
I like it quite a lot.
You know, I used to watch the whole thing once and I don't really remember it.
So it's like watching it for the first time again, which is great.
And, you know, it is gory in some ways, but it's also like old gory.
But it is like HBO's golden era, right?
It's a great show.
And I get it.
You know, I mentioned it to someone and they're like, well, I always just equate people that like The Sopranos to people who are assholes.
It's like, I think that's unfair.
It may not be unrealistic, but it's unfair.
That's literally what I'm doing with my life right now.
I'm watching The Sopranos.
That's all I've got going on.
I don't have any business doing this podcast.
I really need to do some more guest episodes because the well is running dry.
Folks, this is going to be just something you can make fun of me about later on.
You're like, hey, remember when you did that thing?
That's what this is going to end up being.
I won't let it fucking happen, but I am going to release a 19 minute episode today because this is just this is resetting the clock.
OK, this is resetting the clock.
I'm going to come back with something real.
I wanted to talk about all my cars, my life through cars.
I feel like there's a lot there, but does it even matter?
You know, I'll leave on that note.
But thanks for listening.
It's great of you.
Just a real shitty episode.
Just a real clunker popping out today.
But sometimes that's how it goes.
So thank you for listening.
I appreciate everything you've done.
But now I got to go.
Because Friday.
It's a Friday when I recorded this was a Friday.
I'm going to eat.
You.
You.
You.